I'm really mad at my husband right now...

[JCsMomma]

So last night my husband tells me that he thinks I should wait for the breast augmentation & lift. He is not excited about the expense and is afraid we can't really afford it. We had the same conversation last week, and then afterwards he seemed to feel better about it and get on board. Then after the consult yesterday and the added $$ of the lift, we're back to square one. Of course I was disappointed, and I wasn't going to pretend otherwise. But I respect his opinion and cannot go forward without his support. But he actually got mad at ME for being upset! He said it was bordering on "insane" that we talk about it everyday, and he doesn't understand why I can't just forget about it for a few months. Then I started crying, because this is a huge deal to me and he was being such a jerk about it. I yelled at him, "I just want to fix something!" Then I went to bed... Really I just feel so broken, and this is something that I have control over and can actually fix. Why doesn't he get that? I completely understand being careful with finances and not doing it if you can't really afford it, but I handle all the bills and I know we can. But we bought a house and a car this year so he thinks we've made enough big purchases and that we shouldn't make anymore. But why did he even let me go through with the consultation and get my hopes up more?? Not to mention wasting $125...

Ok, thanks for listening to me vent. I guess this isn't going to happen for me anytime soon

[jeremysgirl1984]

I'm so sorry your hubby has changed his mind. I know I would be crushed if my hubby had done that. I'm the same as you, if my hubby HAD decided for me not to go through with it...I would be pissed off, but would respect him and not go through with it until I had his approval. Hopefully he can see it from your view and change his mind again. Good Luck sweetie.

[ForensicsFan]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Maybe if you think creatively about how to fund the surgery, you can come up with something. Lots of people who aren't interested in getting surgery just can't relate, and don't understand the emotions and thoughts behind it.

I know that's very frustrating when they don't get it, and seem to not care. I'm sure he cares about it, but isn't capable of understanding it as deeply. Like when I talk to my girl friends who've had big natural breasts their whole lives and wonder what's the big deal. Haha.

Of course it hurts the most when you're looking for support and your own loved ones don't give it. I guess you'll just have to keep at it, and tell him "We continuously talk about it because it's that important to me!" But then again, if he really gets tired of hearing about it, that's what the girls in the forum are for, right?

[wsb25]

I totally know what your talking about. I finally got my husband to let me go to a consulation appointment and he went with me for support. Everything went fine till he heard the numbers adding up. it added up to 6500, so he told me to wait. I was so pissed. He let me go and get my hopes all up and when we got home he said to wait because of our finaces. Well I pointed out that he had just got a 9000 dollar motorcycle. I know that was not necessary just a toy because he really wanted it. I didnt understand why he wanted something that could possible take his life but he talked me in to letting him get it. I do all the finaces and take care of all the bills and money. So i know we can afford it. I told him how is it he can get what he wants but i cant. Makes no sense to me. So I told him fine ill wait till i graduate in three months and thats what i want for my graduation present. He says we'll see. We'll see nothing. I will convince him lol. But just like you, i wont go forward with it without his support. He also told me to drop it and so i dropped talking about it to him and found this forum. Men are so not understanding to our emotions, but want us to be concerned with what they need. uuugghhh. Good Luck on talking him in to it.

[kpang78]

I was actually the one who was doubtful about getting my surgery because we could use the money to pay off credit cards and bills. There were several occasions when I almost cancelled. DH told me that there will always be bills and expenses, even if pay everything off, something else will come up. So we might as well just do it now or else we'll probably never do it later. Granted, it might make things a little bit difficult financially at first, but it sounds like you have a handle on things and know what you guys can and can't afford. Maybe sit down with him and take a good look at your finances and show him how it'll work, or how you can pay it off, etc.

Good luck!

[Alaria]

Ugh. I'm really sorry. I think you just need to try and explain to him calmly why you feel so strongly about it. Also a plan on where you can save money here and there might help him if he's so into the finances. I would also explain to him how much you feel unperfect without it and the proof being that the PS even said you needed a slight lift. I hope it all works out for you. I am sure it will I just hope it happens soon for you. HUGS!!!

[Freckledfool]

Sorry to hear about the DH. I'm thankful that my DH was super supportive and stood beside me the entire way. If he didn't I don't think our relationship would be the same. Maybe you should sit with ur DH and provide him with information about the breast augmentation and show him ur financial figures that support it. good luck. don't worry. hth

((HUGS))

[Trailrunner]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch with your hubby. What I have found when my husband and I disagree is that it's never really about the issue that we're disagreeing on. Not that that particular issue isn't important, but when there is so much emotion and sometimes outright rage it means that that issue is triggering a wound that is already there and is up to be healed. Like for example my husband is a very successful financial advisor and we live a very comfortable life. But he grew up on a farm in the midwest, a son of a farmer who was a son of a farmer and poverty was always right around the corner. At times they lost house and land to the bank and my husband's whole childhood revolved around hard work--on the farm, in school, in sports, etc. He elected to break away from farming (which was considered a betrayal), studied economics, and now owns his own business managing other people's money. As a kid his mother abandoned the family when he was seven, then returned when he was 14. On my end my parents were there but emotionally absent. My father was anxious and somewhat of a workaholic and my mother preoccupied with healing her own childhood wounds asociated with growing up with an alcoholic. I was well provided for but a needy, clingy kid who never felt really "gotten" emotionally, like my needs were too big for everyone. It was easier to take care of everyone else.
Why this explanation? What I have learned about relationship after several long term boyfriends, one failed marriage and my current marriage is that our relationships bring up all the wounding that we carry from childhoods and if unchecked, beyond. Even though real issues in real time come up in relationships, the emotions behind them are often turbo charged by the experiences that hurt us before (usually in childhood) and they will continue to play out in our lives until we acknowledge them. It is so much easler to point fingers at the other person and often times that other person DOES have things that are hurtful and wrong that need to be addressed. But don't skip what it brings up for you.
Often when my husband and I argue it will in some shape or form boil down to 1) his very real scare of scarcity because of the type of money anxiety he was brought up with-regardless of what we have now; 2) my raging "What about me?" which rears its head constantly because of years of feeling unimportant or simply too much for my parents to handle, which affected my entire self esteeem and sense of worthiness and 3) the abandonment issue that both my husband and I share (he becasue he as physically left by his mom and me because I was emotionally left by my parents. When we fight it doesn't matter what the issue is, it somehow always brings up some of these wounds.
Ultimately we all just want to be heard, seen and validated. It's very hard to do when your own issues are kicking up, but if there's any way you can listen to what your husband is saying, clarify what you think he might be feeling so he gets that you really get him, and then sympathize with how hard that would be for him, things will get better. Just because you support him in his feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with what he is saying and his opinion. Two different things totally! But to do this requires a HUGE amount of self possession. I don't get it right nearly as much as I would like to. But I know that the part of me that wants to hurt him with my words or tell him how wrong and stupid he is is just the little girl part of me that is still raging for not getting what she deserved from her parents. What I have found is that if I can really hear and support my husband's feelings on the topic we disagree on, he moves out of his own anger and defensiveness (and I do too) and we are much more able to deal with the real problem at hand and make a good decision based on the needs and wants of everyone.
Harville Hendrix writes some very good and readable books on this topic so if it speaks to you at all check your library or bookstore "Getting the Love You Need" or "Keeping the Love You Want". He's also written some good books about parenting and the developmental stages of children which has been a great resource for me as a parent. It has helped me to honor the emotional needs of my kids so that hopefully they will have fewer wounds dictating the way they manage their adult relationships when they get there. Remember: it has nothing to do with giving in to what the other person wants, it's about connecting with them emotionally so that you can see why the little issues that tear us apart have so much venom and spark attached to them.
Good Luck!

[JCsMomma]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support! I am sure that eventually he will feel better about the expense and that it is a real possibility for me to have surgery in the future, it just doesn't help with my wanting it RIGHT NOW! I know that my fertility issues are contributing to my lack of self esteem, and making me feel like a failure as a woman. Top that with my unhappiness with the outside of my body, and I'm not really loving myself right now. I just feel like the boobs are something that I can change, and something that can help me feel better about my body. It seems like the answer for everything just keeps coming back as "it's not your time right now," and I'm so sick of it! I am sick of having to be unhappy and wait for "my time." I guess I'm just having a pity party right now!

I understand my husband's worries, I really do. We are a single income family, as I stay home with my son. I also go to school (online) full time, so while that keeps me very busy it's not like I get paid for it! My husband makes good money, but I understand the pressure on him to support the family financially on his own. I guess he just doesn't feel like it's smart to take on unnecessary expenditures at this point. I agree with that, but I guess I just don't see it as unnecessary. But it's never going to be as important to him as it is to me. I am sure he would come around and say something like, "if you want to do it, go ahead," but at this point I am afraid it would cause some resentment on his part. Men!

[fitmomofthree]

I am so sorry to hear all that!! I know how disappointed you feel. For a while after I started talking to my DH about getting a breast augmentation, he said he would love to just have five grand to blow right now, but we don't! So, I knew he was telling me we can't do this right now, which just broke my heart. But in my mind I was telling myself I will figure out a way to do this! And, not too long after that, my parents gave me & my sister some money ($3500 for me). And then after my consult yesterday I went online through Capital One (who I have a cc through) and filled out an online app. for a medical loan (yes, they have those available through Capital One) for $2,000. You have to see if your doctor is on their online application and mine was. So, now I have a loan that I got myself (even though I'm unemployed) & the money my parents gave me and I'm getting my breast augmentation! So, I went from feeling totally hopeless to "okay, this was totally meant to be!" And my DH cannot argue with me! Hope this wasn't tmi, but hopefully this might give you some ideas! Good luck with DH and keep us posted on your progress of 'talking him into it'.

[JCsMomma]

I will definitely keep you all posted! Congrats on working out a way to get your breast augmentation on your own. I do have a school loan disbursement coming in very soon that I was planning to pay off some debt with. Maybe once I show him that plan, he'll be a little more receptive to the cost of the breast augmentation. It would be like replacing debt, instead of adding on new LOL! Of course I will owe the school loans back but those are in deferrment for the next 3.5 years... and it's a super low interest that is mucho better than the CC debt I'm paying with it. Okay, I digress. Speaking of school though, I need to go get some studying done!